I Am Experienced by Nicole Terry I have been maintaining a daily log since November 2004 and a regular journal since I was 15 years old. Wrapped inside moments in which the asylum that surrounds my motions in life with minute precision, I relive the experiences I have been able to capture on the pages of these paper gaols. Recently, a series of events occurred to myself that are so compounded and entangled as to drive any Mind that believes it to Be strong enough to withstand even the most blistering of clusterfucks screaming into insanity. When I see these sorts of happenings, I find it easier to believe that citizens are “infants” and “wards of the court” and that they are in desperate need of the benevolent human Intelligences spoken of in 1984 and in the literature of Frederic Mann. I find myself welcoming “Government,” though I realize that “Government” at all, must bulk every One under Human Capital and fence even the most brilliant of Minds lost among the masses within three standard deviations from the mean that is mediocrity. Still, I Wish for “Government” because at times when I allow my Mind to embrace the honesty that slowly dissipates inside me I am comforted in knowing that Government strangles the citizens that demand the wrath of its god, Lawful Bureaucracy. Call this self-sacrifice if you must, Call it self-martyrdom if you must, Name it self-abasement if you must, Label it self-deprecating if you must; but I am No Thing and I do not Protest our Eventual demise. Shall I explain what about the wards of the asylum that Kills? Total absence—not even in silent reveries whispered in the mind at night or in occasional epiphany that comes when the bottom of an emotional abyss has finally been hit—of either Compassion, or Pathos, or Discrimination, Curiosity; Joy; or Peace; Tranquility, Serenity, or Beauty. Absence exists inside those delighted by the blue images flickering on the invisible walls of a boxed asylum. The Absence seen each day in the platitudes excreted from the orifices on their blind faces. The utter lack of Competence or want for Competence in the empty heads of all who refuse to avail themselves with Knowledge of any kind beyond the Top 10 List or Top 100 Videos of All Time; so to lead any native Intelligence astray, down the spiraled, crooked road of Astonishment. I entered into the College of Higher Learning because I sought Truth and Knowledge with which to arm my Mind, and further develop the burgeoning Consciousness within me. I Meant to sharpen the Wit and Faculties of Mind and Conscience that I am capable and responsible of Will; but the ignorance and incompetence of the Workers have stolen this (a promise made by the benefactors of said Higher Learning) from me, and have pried it from my thoughts and attempted to sequester me inside the fence of average existence. How dare they? How is it possible that this “majority” have the color of power with which to deter me from my chosen Career and not suffer punishment from the Authority that Employs them? The persons Employed do not operate under their own volition, because aforementioned persons refuse to gain Knowledge of thespecific performances contracted into upon employment, the aforementioned persons have surrendered personal volition and are therefore accountable to the Employer who Authorizes payment for performance. Nevertheless, the employees have failed to perform dutifully, so should accordingly be Disciplined. One could perhaps Interpret if the complicated, enigmatic, bewildering Labyrinth they attempt to sell were the result of personal aims or selfishness, but One cannot be so foolish as to delude the self into believing such savages of intellect are befit with enough cognition to have personal aims. Through their duties of incompetence, are they not trying to control me through Manipulation? Through their outrageous ignorance, are they not trying to deceive me? I Will no longer allow this system of incorrect informational paper to force me from the Way I have chosen to Live. How can any Sane individual expect me, simply because I have chosen to be responsible for the advancement of my Mind? I have squandered precious amounts of Time towards pursuing answers to Questions that determine the turns in my Career from a collection of obstinate persons befit without any form of reasonable consistency or coherency. I am too often told contradictory information, wrong information, lies (knowingly or unknowingly), or careless circular statements that do not resemble information by representatives of an Institution purported to offer free motion towards Truth. I stand Dismayed that the Stakeholders of this Institution allow to continue such blatant misrepresentations. I almost, but not quite, find impossible to fathom a glimmer of the slightest shape of belief that the Will of some to behave in one way as if his Mind were so high as to remain untouched by any Thing beneath the vista from his High Throne of Contempt. From this High Throne of Contempt, High-Minded Individuals audaciously deem all beneath, every Thing inferior. One of the greatest adversaries to such self-labeled Kings is Memory. Memory gives one the protection and defense/offense of knowing when “your King” is in the process of rearranging his version of a Fact to fit a particular demographic. One imbibed with Memory can hear the subtle arrangements happen, even if a victim of one of the particular demographics. When One has Memory at his disposal, he possesses the ability to become a demographic of one, and he Knows the Game portrayed and played by the actors before him, some willing, some unwilling. By this, one Learns to Trust only his Memory and not the rearrangements he hears about him. Memory may be one of the greatest weapons, but a weapon more powerful than Memory exists: that of Awareness. Awareness has within its very constitution, an arsenal of faculties. These faculties afford one with Awareness abilities. By no Thing are these inherent Abilities limited, but can become bound by self-imposed limitation superimposed and impressed upon the Mind by rearrangements of Versions of Facts. Believe no Thing. How dare certain inhabitants of this supposedly circling mass of condensed matter named Earth, beguile themselves into Assuming the caricature of Authority, and with mentality full of borrowed Will attempt to incarcerate any child-Mind to bow before its Emperor’s costume. For what? For the perpetuation of further agents of Pride to puff large their egos with weapons of mental drudgery. To those who should accept this heinous performance at Humanity, a guillotine fashioned of insane fear would be their rightful cross. Know that these inhabitants wear Misery as if it were badge of Honor. They wear Misery about their souls hung from a gilded ribbon dipped in the blood of Soldiers, and call their costumes Support. How absurd that anyone should conceive the self as more miserable than another! That the self possesses greater ability at Misery than any other? Insanity abounds in this quagmire of forgetful beings, who remember not that once there had Been, and will not recall that now there is None. In what direction will the Age of Man turn, now that Will and Deliberation has gone the way of Art and Music? To those who ordain the Self as Ruler, as that by which each is measured either Citizen or Insurgent (once two words defined the same, but now stand as opposites): why should such Incompetence be allowed to abuse Power and Vitality? However, those who ordain the Self as Ruler, are not ordained “Ruler” by their peers, but by the Citizens and Insurgents who find the ship of Faith and Belief worthy of sailing across Terra Firma. Am I, only because I See and Hear, to be Incarcerated by they that Prefer distraction to course of Will? Here, among the clowned faces, I must succumb to the raging whims of potential murderers who operate under the guise of good Will and Intentions. Here I must sleep with distressed eye wide shut and wake to the Reality of further days entangled in the thorny whining of dreamers, oblivious to that which they Dream are manifestations of greater Images. Must I play at distributing normality for ever? I watch without Lament this Farce continue unabated. I once Conceived Life as a Mobius Strip. Before that, I Conceived Life as an Infinite circle. Now, I Perceive Life and Existence as a series of chaotic severed Klein bottle, spinning through superconductive waves of multiple planes extended in every direction—both imaginable and unimaginable. We, the wearied Wayfarers travel through wormholes of Experience, determining our Weirdness by Way and Means of Choice, Questioning along the way; Wondering why we Willed the choices we chose to Manifest for our Mental code and Personal Equation. Then, we, in a momentary Stupidity, Lament our Reason, be Cause we for get that we are Gods. Human Evolution of the Creation of God If Human Existence originated from a long, prolonged arrangement of complex processes—which are call Evolutions—and a proportion of those Humans (let’s safely assume: throughout those evolutions called ‘Time’) named these complex [from a human’s point of view. Although, that is not to assume a “Great Designer” or “Creator”, merely that if Humans are integral to these evolutions, then a human’s perspective can only ever be Finite, as limited by the scope of his co-ordination within the cycle of Evolutions at any single “point” of “time”) processes “God” or “Jehovah” or “Creator” or “Divine Being”, then to further attempt to Apprehend these Evolutions, Invent an opposing Force (essentially schizing these Evolutions) called “Satan” or “Devil” or “Evil”. Although, by schizing this, did Humans not alter the Whole complexity of Evolution? Undoing the process, and rearranging it into some Thing more pleasant to the Cognition. Then, Humanity claims that Man be Creature to this Halfling schizophrenic?! Like the “discovery” (or could it more accurately be called naming) of the Atom, man has been surgically annihilating his God for centuries. If that which plants an idea in the mind of Man be called God, is it also true that any Thing that plants Idea into the mind of Man is God? (i.e. Television? Another man? Philosopher? Author? Doctor?) Can you Comprehend this? We sit with silence at our tables full of Material satisfaction and consider ourselves Fortunate. © Copyright 2008 Nicole Terry ALL RIGHTS RESERVED [return to Essays] [more Writings]